Saturday, May 02, 2009

Energy Drinks!

DISCLAIMER: I was in a bad mood the day I began framing this piece and I apparently remained so throughout! That said, the expletives and their execution herewith, may offend some more than the content! So, in the true Stratton tradition (a.k.a. 'Adding Insult to Injury')... I decided to post it anyway! ... Approach with caution!

I opened the refrigerator at work the other day and there was something in there that was glowing, blue and pulsating! There it was! ... Some sort of new flavored energy drink! A bottle of ‘Super Rocket Extreme Frigid Arctic Blasted Gatorade!’ Hey, I don’t need extreme and I certainly don’t want to feel like my sports drink is going to rape me! I just want to drink the fucking shit!!!! When did we start with all the arctic stuff? Did anyone formally announce “I’m tired of the flavor orange!” ...or... “I no longer like the flavor of lemon!” 

I don’t know what a fucking ‘Super Rocket Extreme Frigid Arctic Blast’ is and I know there are things that I definitely don’t want! I don’t want colors that don’t seem to exist in nature to be in my energy drink. First off, here’s the active ingredient... Caffeine! That’s number one, and coffee has caffeine in it the last time I checked. I don’t know what happened to caffeine but let’s face it, none of this shit can be any good for you! 

Here’s the thing... These drinks attract assholes and then super-sizes them! There should be a class action lawsuit against all this shit like... ‘Rock Star’ and ‘Red Bull’ and the rest of this kind of stuff! Face it, cool people are not attracted to these kind of drinks! Here’s the math: Picture the coolest person you know... do you see that person with a 22-oz ‘Rock Star’ in their hand? ... No! ... That person drinks water and sometimes has a cup of coffee! ... Now, picture an asshole that you know! ... See? ... Get it? ... The assholes drink the energy drinks and turn themselves into super-sized asshole monsters! They were assholes when they were tired but now they have all this shit flowing thru their veins, now they’re turbo-charged assholes!

Essentially what we did with these energy drinks is we took two animals... a Chawwawa and a Saint Bernard. We took the Chawwawa who was already a loud mouth and said “Ya' know what? We got to speed him up and make him even stronger!” ... No we don’t! ... That guy is already loud enough! That guy already needs to shut the fuck up! So, not only are these energy drinks ridiculous but the assholes who are attracted to these drinks are even more ridiculous!

Just look at the packaging on those drinks. Look at all the bright colors and shinny things! Think about it... I you were marketing your product to mentally indigent people, how would you do it? Plenty of ‘BRIGHT COLORS AND BIG SHINEY THINGS’ for the stupid assholes to supercharge themselves with. Do these idiots think they can fool mother nature? Like having more energy when they should be tired or being more alert when they should be resting their brain. The answer is no! Show me the guy who drinks the energy drink who’s any smarter or anymore focused then the guy who doesn't.

We’re going to look back on this era of energy drinks and history will not be kind. It’s all sugar, caffeine and a bunch of weird coloring and they all taste exactly the same. 

The best energy drink is:

  • 1.) Water
  • 2.) Get 8-hrs of sleep
  • 3.) Shut the fuck up!
  • 4.) Thank You!